Unedited Honesty

About to enter uncharted waters and unfamiliar territory. Unedited honesty comes hard. Didn't write here earlier today. Why? Desperately wanting to sound positive and encouraging - because that's what I do - that's what is expected of me - when the truth is I'm struggling. So many people tell me I have the gift of encouragement - so I've tried all day to find the perfect verse that will lift me up on eagles wings and carry the rest of you with me. But, today, emotions run too raw. Feeling like a complete failure. Overwhelmed with thoughts of disappointing God with all this fear. Trying to be strong on the outside - you know, the mask we all wear that we're trusting God as we skip along to the tune of all things working together for good.

What about when anxiety claims sleep? When thoughts magnify doubts. When you don't want to hear one more, "Don't be afraid" because your head knows those words and you could say them in your sleep...if you were sleeping.

Feeling the pressure of letting my son see his mom trusting in God and not totally falling apart. Needing support and encouragement from a husband who views fear as a waste of time. Questioning, what have I done? Did I make a hasty decision or did I respond to God's call? How on earth am I going to get on that plane and trust God on Friday?

As all these thoughts have collided and attacked today, something wonderful began to happen. God called on a team of mighty women to come alongside this very weary traveller and offer love and hope. I sat for at least an hour and cried over the most precious messages that began to fill my Inbox. Ladies, many of whom I have yet to meet, responded to God's hand on their heart to share their life with me. It wasn't messages of 'buck up and move on', but words of understanding, love and caring. I hesitate to begin to mention names because you know who you are....but to Teri, Melissa, Lelia, Marilyn, Glynnis, Liane, Sharon and Laura, I say a humble thank you. I cannot express to you the gift of acceptance you gave me tonight. No preachy sermons. No pat answers. No 12-step program to conquer fear. You've offered me something so much greater. Tonight, through you, I've experienced God's mercy. I've had a glimpse of unconditional love.

I was the beggar on the side of the road, attacked, wounded, dying. One good Samaritan even rang my doorbell at 9:30pm and off we went to Starbucks where she listened to my heart and spoke God's Word over me. To you my friend - words cannot express the healing ointment you provided after a day of looking brave while running scared.

Little Much Afraid is still afraid. I don't know if that will change. I know it can, but it might not. God is calling me to trust Him in a mountain of fear. I'd love to see victory before I step one foot on that plane, but it may not happen. Satan is doing his best to keep me from believing that God can handle all of this. I hate him and I hate what he is doing to my life - running wild right now over every moment of every day when I am vulnerable, weak and frightened.

"Your enemy is standing on your God given ground daring you to take possession of it" (Beth Moore). Them there are fighting words! Through Christ's death the battle has already been won. I do not feel like a "mighty warrior"...but neither did Gideon or David. The giant stands taunting. His words are like arrows. I cry as each one hits my shield, wishing the fight wasn't so hard. Longing for victory to come easily - without suffocating panic. I don't know what new strategies the evil one will use tomorrow. I pray for strength to get by each moment and with that moment I pray my faith will stand.