Tuesday, April 14, 2009

Closer

Sweet friends, your patience with me is so appreciated. I know many of you continue to wait for an update, and I'm so sorry that it takes me so long. A sleepless night has left me worn and weary.

Not much has changed regarding Dad's health. He remains in the hospital. Tests are still being administered, buying us more time in this location. New Doctor's appear weekly as hospitalists change shifts. A new face. A new diagnosis. New challenges. New questions. New expectations. New decisions. New confusion. New uncertainty. New bewilderment. Some Doctor's offer a ray of hope, while others seem determined to steal every spark of possibility.

Endless hours, days, weeks, months, sitting at Dad's beside. Feeling selfish that I long for this to be over. Yes, for Dad's torment to end, but mine as well. The daily routine is suffocating. I love my Dad dearly, but life has been put on hold and Dad is no longer the only one in need of healing. None of us anticipated that we would still be living under the effects of this nightmare.

I am consumed with guilt. While at the hospital I feel guilty for not meeting the needs of my family at home. While at home I feel guilty for not being with Dad. A vicious, continual cycle. Expectations weigh heavy. Bench pressing more than my weight as I carry this burden.

Exhaustion is claiming me physically. I am currently under Doctor's care for symptoms most probably brought on my stress. Frustrated. Frightened. Panic. Helpless. Abandoned. Overwhelmed. Confused. Despair. Heaviness. Restlessness. Sorrow.

Needing encouragement tonight I reached for the One who can speak to the deepest, unseen places of my heart. His Words are sustaining.

"The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the LORD comes to the rescue each time." Psalm 34:17-19

Father, our family is in need of rescue. Thank You that our brokenness moves You closer.

18 comments:

LisaShaw said...

Dear Abba Father, thank You that You are near them. May Your presence, peace, power and comfort overwhelm them with Your love. Thank You Abba in Jesus Name. Amen.

Teresa @ Grammy Girlfriend said...

Thinking of you and praying for you. It is strange how you are using the same terms I used for 18 months. And when it was all over, I was sick...so please take care of yourself.

Beth E. said...

Joy,
I continue to pray for your dad, you, and your precious family.

We dealt with a similar situation when my husband's mother was ill for a couple of years prior to her death. Bill and his sisters were completely worn out by the time their mom went to be with the Lord. It is definitely exhausting physically, spiritually, and emotionally.

Praying that you will find much needed rest as you go to bed this evening.

Love and prayers,
Beth E.

Melanie said...

Don't take on false guilt for taking care of yourself and your family.
You must have good self-care. No one is served, least of all you, if you get run down, sick and depressed.
I think of you, your dad and family and I pray.
Melanie@Bella~Mella

Sita said...

Joy,
I was thinking about you today. I feel your distress...at the same time I know that you and your family will know the power of His resurrection in His time...if you have time, pop over to Peters' blog as he shares..
http://cornerstonethefoundation.blogspot.com/2009/04/from-hopelessness-to-hope.html

praying for you,
Love, Sita

Heather said...

Oh my dear friend...
I have been following you. Praying for you as I have waited for the updates you were able to share.

Oh God, I cry out to You on behalf of my friend, Joy and her family. Please right now help Joy to get the rest, and release from stress that she needs so much. Heal her own body and heart and soul from the stress that is tearing at her. Please give her the strength to keep going, and to be where she needs to be at the right times, and to be fully present there. Take away the feelings of guilt that the enemy is trying to press in on her.
God you know her whole situation, much more clearly than any of us. Please take care of Joy, her family, her daddy. Touch Joy's heart in the midst of this with a very real sense of Your presence with her, and with the feeling of You lifting the burden off of her.
Lord, carry not only Joy's load, but also Joy herself through these days ahead, and give her rest, deep healing sleep and rest.
I love her Lord, but You love her more. Be her Strength, her Shield, her Strong Tower, Her Deliverer, and her very present help in this time of her need. Amen.

Love you my friend, and always, and still praying.
Heather
(you prayed me through some of the toughest times in my life this past year or so, now its my turn)

Kathy S. said...

He will make the rough places smooth, He will restore what the locusts have eaten, He will bring some kind of beauty from your ashes, He will guide you in a sun~scorched land...

I prayed with Heather. The Lord has been bringing you to mind, and I lift you up. May He fill you with His peace that passes understanding, and wash over you with His love and healing.

God bless you, Joy.

Leah said...

Joy,

Take care of yourself and your family. Your family (husband and children) are your first priority and they need you to be well. I've been where you are walking when my Daddy had cancer. It is so difficult to balance well the homefront and the sickbed.

I am praying for peace for your family and wisdom for the medical professionals who attend your precious Daddy. I pray for your mom and sisters as well as your Daddy. Allow the Lord to take you in His arms and speak peace to you.

Leah

Unreasonable Grace said...

Jesus, Jesus, Jesus - when I speak Your name mountains move, chains are loosed. When I speak Your name, darkness flees, it has no hold on me! Jesus, with Your love, Your presence, Your light ... overwhelm the darkness surrounding Joy and her family. Speak peace to their hearts, comfort to their souls, healing to their bodies and minds.

Catherine said...

(hugs) precious friend. Praying and continuing to ask God to make very clear to all of you what His next steps are for Grandpa. You are amazing Joybells and I wish there was some way to lift some of this burden from you. You are doing SO MUCH as are your mom and sisters. Love you sweetie. xoxo

Lori said...

He is risen! God's Spirit is alive and active in you...He is powerful and there is nothing He can not do. Every time a worrisome thought or feeling of anxiousness comes over you, turn it right back on Him...
Turn it all over to Him and then praise Him that He's the one carrying the load. He has it all under control. His timing...Let Him carry the burden.

I pray that you'll feel comforted and at peace; you're nestled close to your heavenly Father, Joy...protected fully under His wings...

Don't try to take on the world...pray to Him that your day will be orchestrated by Him, allowing yourself to do only what He wants you to do. Not feeling the guilt...just living each day according to His purpose...

Love and prayer's coming your way!

Lori - AZ

Yolanda said...

Joy,

I believe that these scriptures from Psalms that you share with us are perfect for you and this season.

We all love you very much!

Yolanda

Amy L Brooke said...

I am continuing to pray for you. I know God is holding you close.

Melissa said...

Joy,

Thank you so much for directing me to your post. We are wearing the same "colour" ;) I'm ready for pink aren't you?

The verses from Psalms were perfect. Copy, paste, and print. I will carry them with me today.

I am praying for you and your family.

Hey, why don't we just sit on Jesus' lap today? You sit on one knee and I'll take the other. We can share a holy hug.

Love you,
Melissa

Marilyn in Mississippi said...

Still praying for you and for you family Joy!

I know you probably feel really "alone" in all this. That's the way it affects people. But you would probably be surprised how many of us have walked a similar road with our parents or loved ones. I can well remember the struggles when my Daddy was dying with cancer 2 years ago. Just what you said....I felt guilty when I was at the hospital with him because I felt like I was not taking care of home and husband. Then when I was home I felt guilty that I was not at the hospital. It's just our human nature I guess. It's a VERY tiring time when something like this comes your way. I think your body pushes itself to limits you didn't know you had....but then when the pressure lets up....sometimes your body rebels at what you've put it through and gets sick. I've been there too. And seen it happen to many others.

We love you Joy. Keep the faith.

Marilyn

Runner Mom said...

You precious girl! I have you in my prayers, but better yet, He has scooped you up, and you are in His arms. Try to get a little rest! Please... :)

I love you!
Susan

Paula (SweetPea) said...

REading your words of what this trial has done to your bodies made me immediately thing "oh how frail our bodies are, how suseptable they are." We are complex body created by a magnificent Creator, our bodies can easily be changed and destroyed. It's amazing how much or rather how little our bodies can take depending on the situation. The emotional aspect of a trial is so wearing on the physical and in my mind that is so complex that the two interact...the complexion of our creation.
Love,
Paula

Kathy S. said...

I tagged you with a bloggy sister award. Of course you DONT need to take time to do this, but wanted to know you are a blessing.