Surrender

UPDATED BELOW!

Midway through writing my comment this morning reality struck like a lightening bolt and stopped my hands from typing. My breath caught in my throat. My heart, for only an instant, stopped beating while I came face-to-face with a truth that was requiring my honest response. How I wanted to answer the right way. How I wanted to be pleasing to God. How may head and my heart wanted to agree on this one. But it wasn’t that easy…at least not for me.

When God’s possible best contradicts my hopes and plans, surrender isn’t easy. What if “Your will be done” is a hard doing? Not for God…but the surrender required of me.

This morning as God began a journey in me through the writing of four friends, Sita, Elaine, Lysa and Tracie, He gently prepared me and moved me for a sweet yet difficult abandoning. With each step He was drawing me closer. With each word He was positioning my heart to kneel. Kneeling isn’t always easy… not willing kneeling. At least not for me. At least not both knees. I like to keep a little control.

Oh, this surrender is easy when nothing is being asked of me, but when an appointment at the hospital looms in less than 3 hours because of questionable findings at a previous exam, that’s when hard questions come and a decision must be made. Can I pray “Not my will, but Thine be done”? Can I pray it from a heart that truly means it regardless of the cost?

Why is this letting go so hard? Does God’s Word not tell me that His plans for me are to prosper me and give me a hope and a future? God’s prosperity is not for my contentment, but for my character. Character development needs pruning. Pruning hurts. His good plans are to create His good in me. I think my friend Elaine has found the answer. Not always a peaceful journey, but peace for the journey.

My heart longs to say, Lord, if a difficult travelling on this particular path is the only way I’m going to know even just one aspect of Your character, then I will walk it for You and with You. If the end result is knowing You more, then give me grace to walk with courage. May my walking be testimony of Your love, grace and mercy.

I know a pilgrim’s progress is challenging. I know the way is not always to the swift or the battle to the strong. I’ve visited the valley’s and had companions that make the way weary. Little Much Afraid too often rises up within and chooses my path.

This morning my desire to know God is trumping my desire for ease. Don’t misunderstand, I don’t want the hard way, but I want God. I’m still praying that nothing of concern will be found this afternoon. I’m believing in a God who can do more than we ask or imagine.

God has drawn my attention to the greatest gift of the season. The Giver. I don’t long for more from Him, but more of Him. Join with me in saying, “Your will be mine in 2009”.

"To the ends of the earth I will follow
There's nothing that I will not do
You alone are my reason for living
Jesus my passion is You."
Travis Cottrell

UPDATE: Just wanted to let you know that I'm just home from my tests this afternoon...and...good news!!! After what seemed like an eternity while the technician went to get the Dr. to see the ultrasound pictures, all is well. Although there are new cysts, there is nothing that is causing further alarm. THANK YOU, THANK YOU for your prayers. God answered. This morning as I wrote the post above the Lord brought me to a place of peace and acceptance. I knew that whatever lay ahead, I was going to experience Him. So thankful to know Him as Deliverer today!