At the Foot of the Cross

"I Found Joy in a BIG God" Part Fourteen

How do you approach God's presence or come to hear His Word? I come with anticipation. I can't say I've always entered His gates with such enthusiasm or His courts with expectation. I remember enduring sermons as a young girl just so I could go out with the youth group following the service. If sitting still for an hour in church was all that was mandatory before enjoying a couple of hours of social fun, I could do that easily. Besides, I could scout out the adorable and eligible, cute guys while the message was being delivered. Oh come on ladies...don't tell me you never did that! If you have teens in your home who are attending church with similar less than perfect spiritual motivation, in hope of finding Mr. or Mrs. Right, be thankful. At least they are coming to church even if their incentive isn't what you desire for them. God promises His Word will not return void. It's amazing the truths that will take up residence in their heart and return unexpected when needed.

As an adult I have come to hunger and thirst after righteousness. Nothing was different this night. Sitting in the back corner, notebook open, pen poised, I was ready. Earlier my heart had been prepared as I had sat before His throne of grace in the sacred surrounding of the Prayer Room. Having just completed a delicious dinner, I was physically filled, but spiritually still thirsting.

The voice delivering the message was sweet, yet the power behind His words strong. Filled with God's anointing, Renee began sharing with us the story of Gideon found in Judges. The title of her message, "Beyond the Shadow of Doubt".

I don't know how many of you live with doubts, but they have plagued my life for years. I have to confess that I doubt almost everything - except my salvation, but that too was in question several years ago.

Marriage, a beautiful home, an adorable little boy, leadership positions at my church, countless blessings, yet inwardly my life was falling apart. Withdrawal, uncertainty, emptiness all characterized my existence. Seeing God alive and active in others, I became suspicious of God's love for me. Why didn't I have an amazing testimony like these ladies? Where were my God stories? I could easily accept that He loved everyone else, but not me. As I retreated more and more into myself, doubts disturbed and destroyed. Truths I'd always embraced at face value came into question. Doubts that God could love me, led to doubts that God had saved me, which transitioned to doubting that there was a God. I was on a spiral down. Numbness. Apathy. Void. Had I truly made a decision to follow Christ, or was I like Oswald Chambers writes, simply sorry for having made foolish mistakes, a reflex action caused by self-disgust? The devotional, “Utmost for His Highest” states that the forgiven person proves he is forgiven by being the opposite of what he was previously. I wasn’t even slightly opposite. I felt my life being weighed in the balance and found wanting. (Daniel 5:27) I was ‘Counterfeit Joy’.

Time and space do not allow for the telling of that story today. Doubt can take us down roads of depression, but can also be used to lead us into an absolute trust and dependence on God if we invite Him into our confusion. Thankfully God's love did eventually pierce my darkness, however it still left a wake of fear. My fears are vast, wide, high and deep. They encompass every moment of every day. Some are based on fact, others were taught and even more imagined. Worry and anxiety are my heritage.

As Renee was sharing God's message, several things about Gideon's life began to speak into mine:

1. God didn't give up on Gideon even though doubt and fear were prominent attributes in his life. God was saying to me - Joy, I will not give up on you. I'm here for keeps. No matter how long this takes and how fierce the battle rages, I will not leave you or forsake you until victory is won. I see beyond what you are now, to what you can become.

2. God called Gideon to stop focusing on what he didn't have and start trusting in the strength he had available to him. It's so easy to keep our minds fixed on what is lacking - my insecurity; thoughts of never being able to measure-up; comparisons; etc... I even struggle with doubting what I do have. Even receiving compliments can be a challenge. I doubt the other person's sincerity and my ability. Are they just saying that to make me feel good? God was calling me to fix my eyes on Him.

3. I must remember that God is the One empowering me. On my own I am nothing, but with God nothing is impossible.

4. Finally, God was promising me His constant presence. I was reminded again of the verse God gave me months ago, "I will watch over your coming and going both now and forevermore."

As Renee brought her message to a close, the lighting on the platform changed. My eyes were drawn to the wooden cross on the stage. As she shared about times when her doubts loomed larger than life, her shadow grew larger than the cross. However, when she surrendered her fears and anxieties, her silhouette diminished at the foot of a saving cross.

Renee then shared Luke 1:35, "The angel answered, 'The Holy Spirit will come upon you, and the power of the Most High will overshadow you.'"

Sitting on a chair in a conference room in North Carolina the presence of the Most High began to overshadow me. Renee began asking questions about our personal doubts and the things that we needed to surrender at the foot of the cross. Cards were available at our tables on which we could prayerfully record what God was speaking to our hearts. Three wooden crosses were set up across the front of the room, and as ladies felt led, we were encouraged to come and lay our burdens at the foot of the cross. This was a personal time of yielding control. Acknowledging weakness. God's presence was so evident as hundreds of women made their way down sacred paths of surrender. I was one who took that journey. My card was full. Much needed to be released and voluntarily abandoned.

In exchange for my obedience, God would give me a precious gift...but that's tomorrow's story. :o)