Saturday, March 08, 2008

Reflections from a prodigal

I wrote the following about 8 years ago. Part of me wants to change some of the words...express things a little clearer, change grammar, but the other part of me treasures this just the way it was written. Thoughts of a wilderness wanderer.

Where and how do I begin to pen the thoughts that not even my heart can tell
A story so real that it pierces to my deepest soul
A Friendship more cherished than all my dreams could fathom
After seemingly endless years of being adrift on a raging sea
With deafening loneliness surrounding all my days
An emptiness much blacker than the darkest night consumed me
As I struggled to be everything to everyone - but me
Smiling through countless days while screaming from within
A struggle to keep up the charade or end this constant 'perfect' life
Oh, the mask I wore - and how easily all were fooled, until...
You
You with Your hope, forgiveness and love
You with Your eyes that penetrated my soul
Eyes that looked past the surface and into the depth of my being
Oh, how You frightened me at first
How I wanted to run and hide - to shut You out
Should my fortress crumble and walls fall - what then?
I wasn't worthy of anyone's friendship or love
Your closeness scared me, unnerved me, but softened me
Could someone actually know me and love me?
Was there worth in me, a value that I never saw?
Emotions came close to destroying, but You wouldn't let go
Not having any strength myself to begin, You carried me to Your throne of grace
A place where mercy and peace flowed freely
You refused to stop believing when all my hope was gone
You picked me up, held tight and wouldn't let me drown
Together, I discovered life - a life brand new
A life where I am treasured, valued
A life where my opinions can be voiced and not ridiculed
A life, though sometimes still filled with hurt, can be surrendered to a Father who sees my need and loves me
And now my heart cries to know You deeper
I experienced the healing love of Jesus
You are everything I'd always wanted
All I'd longed for, hoped for inside,
Oh, the beauty of Christ,
I want to mirror Your life in every way
You embraced me with Your acceptance
You found worth in my life
Smiles, sunshine and laughter began to fill my days and soon became natural
The unshared thoughts that burdened me didn't make me evil
The rejection I'd felt for disappointing others - not being the person they wanted to fit their mold
Lost its powerful grasp
I began, for the first time, to have confidence
Confidence in You who created me
Created me to be all I can be for You
You gave me a life-changing gift
It sometimes frightens me to think where I'd be - or even if I'd be
If You hadn't reached out to find me
You gave me life, saved me, rescued me from myself
You've turned sorrow into dancing, so let the music play
There's been a break through - a new beginning
Changes which will last a life long have taken hold of me
I see myself from a new point of view
I'm free to be me, to dance, to sing
I'm aware of me, the way I am - and it's all because of You
And now our lives have bonded
I know beyond a shadow of a doubt that You will always be there
I don't need to hold on tight - I will not lose You
Our love affair will only grow deeper
We listen and laugh
We share and encourage
We talk to each other in prayer
Our intimacy is so beautiful, it's breathtaking
All works of true art are miracles
You add colour to my life
May I remain in the Hand of the Master Painter
Allowing You do add only what You desire
Thank You for making my life richer
You are my Friend, my Father, my Lord, and my King.

4 comments:

Kelley at Aroma of Joy said...

Wow, Joy that is so beautiful. Aren't you glad you wrote that when you did? I am a big believer in recording thoughts, prayers and especially answers to prayer because it is so encouraging to look back on. For us and for others. You have so much talent and when you pair that up with your sweet spirit and your desire to live for Christ, it's easy to see He has some big plans for you!! Don't you doubt that!

As for my blog, thanks for your kind comments. It took me the better part of a day to upload that slideshow but I think I understand it now (not sure how to slow it down though). My family is giving me a hard time about spending so much time on the computer so I am having to give them a little more attention. Oh, the sacrifices I make.....

See ya soon!
Love ya,
Kelley

Amy L Brooke said...

Beautifully put!

Thanks for entering my contest and for the help with the recipe stuff. I can't access blog stuff at work.

Hope you are having a great day.

elaine olsen said...

Joy:
A dark night of the soul...

I have wrestled with one myself. A time when I distinctly remember the active presence of God fighting my demons. I have struggled all my life with seeming "nothingness." It wasn't until I came to the utter end of myself (a death of sorts...)that I looked up and began to receive my healing.

I, too, lead Bible study and love to write. I would welcome your thoughts about how you "do Bible study" in your neck of the woods. Yes, Tuesdays exhaust me, but I wouldn't trade them for anything. Beth's teaching last Wednesday on John 2 on Life Today spoke directly to this "need for filling" after giving. I hope you are able to access it via tv or the web.

Thanks for visiting the blog. You can email me anytime at eolsen2@nc.rr.com.

As always, peace for the journey~elaine

Melissa said...

Beautiful!!!!! Thank you for sharing that..I'm so glad you still had it from 8 years ago.

I just got caught up on your accountability. Looks like you are doing great this week. Don't let those few pounds discourage you..scales can be evil can't they? I hope your back is feeling better.

I hate that I didn't answer the phone when you called. I leave at 2:30 and every now and then I'm away from my desk for something. Teri is so sweet though. But I would have loved to talk to you.

Hope you are having a blessed day:)
Love,
Melissa