Delay? Denial? DON'T KNOW!!!!

As some of my friends and family know, I have been waiting on the Lord for direction concerning attending the "She Speaks" Conference in North Carolina in June of this year. I sort of gave God the deadline of TODAY to speak to my heart. Not because I'm impatient (although...that could be questioned at this very moment), but because the registration fee increases as of tomorrow and I wanted to be a good steward of our finances.

Yesterday was a tough day. For some reason I was positive God was going to somehow reveal His will for me in some miraculous way during the 24 hour span that just passed. I was anticipating every phone call, every person who passed me on the street, every piece of mail, every clerk in the store to be God's special messenger who would suddenly produce a scroll and begin recitation of a direct response from God. That didn't happen, although for the record, let me just say I believe God could have spoken through any of those ways if He had chosen to do so.

I came home from work around 9:30pm feeling tired. Work hadn't been that exhausting, but the emotional roller coaster I'd been riding on all day had depleted all energy. My husband had a cup of tea waiting for me when I walked in the door and after sharing some of my day with him, I went upstairs to our office to check e-mails.

Nothing personal had arrived, but one of the daily devotionals I subscribe to was waiting to be opened and read. I clicked into it and was immediately held captive by the title, "The Waiting Is The Hardest Part". The devotional was based on Genesis 16. This is the story of how Sarai, longing to have a child of her own, and even after God promised her husband Arbram that one day he would have more descendants than there are stars in the sky, took it upon herself to solve God's problem. In the beginning, Sarai had waited for God to provide, but the baby didn't come. With every passing day her tension and frustration mounted. Where was the answer? Had God forgotten about her?

The author writes, "It appears Sarai's thoughts walked as far as her faith would carry her, and then she stood looking at the mountains of her fear. Did God understand how important this was for her? How could God deny her the greatest desire of her heart? Was God even on her side?"

These questions bring us face to face with God's sovereignty. Will I trust God to provide according to His plans and purposes and in His way?

Sarai decided to take matters into her own hands. She felt God had abandoned her. This entire prophecy was a cruel joke. I think she believed God could do this, but would He do it for her? She felt she needed to assist God in finding a solution to fulfill His promise to her. Her faith faltered.

My faith was on the verge of collapsing yesterday, but reading this account of God's fulfillment of this dream for Sarai began to stretch my faith again. Delay is not denial. I can't manipulate an answer and I must hold onto God's promises that EVERYONE (that includes me) who seeks Him will find Him. Am I looking FOR Him as much as I am seeking an answer FROM Him?

God is strengthening my faith in Him. As I headed to bed last night I breathed the prayer, "Lord, I believe; help my unbelief!"

I awoke this morning with a new vision. As I talked with my 15 year old son before driving him to school, I shared that I really felt God wanting me to come to the place where I could honestly say, "Lord, if Your answer is 'go', I will love You. If Your answer is 'stay', I will love You. Even if I hear nothing at all, I will still love You." My love for God cannot be based on what He does for me, but on Who He is. I surrendered my dream afresh to God.

This morning while checking e-mails again, another devotional appeared - from the same sender. It was about the fulfillment of God's promises. The writer shared that God is on the other side of our wait. I can't push open the door and make things happen, but must remain dependent on God. I can't force my timetable and agenda on Him. The devotional ended by quoting from Daniel 3:17-18, Shadrach, Meshach and Abednego's reaction to being thrown into the fiery furnace, "If the God we serve exists, then he can rescue us from the furnace of blazing fire, and he can resuce us from the power of you, the king. But even if he does not resuce us, we want you as king to know that we will not serve your gods or worship the gold statue you set up."

The author questioned, "Could God be steering you toward a 'Meshach moment,' bringing you to a place where you are wholly dependent upon God and faithful even if the answer does not come?" Isn't this exactly what I had shared with my son earlier today?

There's a song we've been singing in our church a lot lately. The chorus calls for a commitment: "Today I choose to follow You. Today I choose to give my 'yes' to You. Today I choose to hear Your voice and live, Today I choose to follow You."

Lord, today I choose to follow You.