Praying For My Mom

"I am exhausted and completely crushed. My groans come from an anguished heart...I am on the verge of collapse..." Psalm 38:8,17

I heard these words just two days ago, coming from the overwhelmed heart of my mother. The stress of the past ten weeks has been taking it's toll on her. She is completely broken as she watches the love of her life for 65 years become a stranger in many ways. I can't begin to imagine the loss as a wife. I only know it as a daughter.

Mom has been a tower of strength and the pillar of our home. It's difficult to watch her suffering now. A time of life when I wish she could just relax and enjoy the blessings of family and friends, she is burdened with the incredible weight of countless decisions and unfathomable heartache.

Growing up, our home was a place where I always felt secure and loved. Mom used every opportunity to set a godly example to let me see the reality of Christ. Even when my sister and I would argue (which wasn't often!), Mom would burst forth in a chorus of "To be like Jesus", making it difficult for our disagreement to continue while being sweetly serenaded with God's truth.

No doubt these teachable moments were a direct result of mom's daily, consistent, personal time with her Lord in prayer and Bible study. As long as I can remember, Mom has been rising each morning by 4:00am to spend time with the Lord, studying His Word and lifting her family and loved ones to Him in prayer. As a child, my days began and ended with prayer. Mom would kneel beside my bed each morning committing my day to the Lord. Then joining hearts and hands around our dinner table at the close of the day, time would be given to read His Word during "Family Worship". I can recall praying for everything and everyone, often stopping in mid-prayer to ask a question or give a hug, but Mom never seemed to mind. I learned early that I could talk to God anytime, anywhere, and He became my best friend and Saviour while watching mom model such an intimate relationship with Him.

Mom is faithful, not only in her quiet times, but in all areas of her life. She is a faithful mother, wife, grandma, great-grandma, sister-in-law, mother-in-law and friend. Her daily letter writing is just another example of her committment to those she loves. It has been the 'norm' for dad to drive to the post office every morning, mailing numerous letters, notes, and little words of enouragement to those the Lord happened to place on mom's heart.

As a godly woman, mom's quiet countenance, gracious nature, open hospitality, discerning spirit and tender heart have always made our home a haven, not just for her family, but for all who enter. A knock at the door, and in no time, the kettle is boiling, as she shares a hot cup of tea, a smile or a tear. She provides a listening ear, encouraging word and prayerful support, ministering God's love.

Perhaps one of mom's favourite past-times, besides a trip to Tim Horton's for coffee with a friend, would be her love of reading! A good book, a hot drink, and a cozy place is mom's personal refuge. She enjoys quiet evenings, needlepoint, fresh white handkershiefs and peanut-buttered toast. She is happiest when her family is happy.

She is the Founder of "There-there's"! Unexpected gifts, large or small, given for no other reason than to simply say, "I love you." We never required a special occassion in our home to wait for a parcel. Often little surprises greeted us on our dinner plates, under our pillows, in lunch bags, tucked away in suitcases and now even on doorsteps. Mom is a generous giver.

Mom invested in the life of her children, making sacrifices for us, and she did it with passion. I cannot thank her enough for making the life-long investment in training and shaping me. She provided the colour and shading that brought depth and dimension to my life. In my growing up years, and still often today, I find time for everything and everyone but you, Mom, and yet, would any of the others have done for me what you did? I don't know how many times I could have made you happy by simply saying, "I love you, mom."

Our relationship hasn't been perfect. We have our differences and we don't always agree. Mom is an eternal optimist, refusing to see any negative and believing always in the good of everyone. Extremely sensitive, her responses have at times received rolled eyes and judgement from this daughter. She goes to great lengths to please others and longs for everything to always appear right and well. Her home is immaculate. Her clothing pressed. Her dinner always prepared. Her floors cleaned. Her windows washed. Her perfume on.

Since becoming a mother myself, I appreciate and love my mother in a deeper way. Being a mother. What a calling. What a responsibility. What an honour! I esteem my mom for the perseverance she continually displays in daily taking the time and effort necessary to ensure that she leave a healthy and godly heritage, a heritage that I now strive to pass on to my family.

Today as I celebrate being a mom, I also celebrate the memories and moments shared with my mom. Treasures in my heart that will never wear out or fade away.

Linda Weber, in her book, "Mom You're Incredible!" writes:

"Motherhood is not an entry-level service position for mindless, insecure and second-class citizens. It is the noblest of callings. To be entrusted with the very life, health and well-being of a tiny human person is a great gift and honour. To realize this small child reflects traits and characteristics of you, your spouse, and your families is a mind-shattering and heart-rending realization. To invest your time and best efforts into a child and to watch him grow, develop, and excel is to be part of the creative majesty of life itself. Never let anyone denounce motherhood or dissuade you from experiencing it. It transcends all other experiences."

As Theodore Roosevelt said, "No other success in life - not being President, or being wealthy, or going to college, or writing a book, or anything else - comes up to the success of a man or woman who can feel that they have done their duty and their children and grandchildren rise up and call them blessed."

Mom, today I rise up and call you blessed, as I am blessed by having the delight and honour of being your daughter. I wish right now I could remove all the pain, loneliness, decisions, misery and distress. I am doing what I can, but it feels like so little as I watch your head bow, your body shake and tears flow.

Today Mom, I am praying for you. May the Lord tenderly hold you. May you feel His arms surround you. May your heaviness lift. May your helplessness be replaced with great courage. May the clouds of darkness dissipate. May His peace, that passes understanding, reign and be a reality in your heart. May your fear and insecurity vanish. May His love carry you...just for today...and then all your tomorrow's. I love you mom.

Love For a Lifetime - Celebrating 65 Years!

"You have given me greater joy..." Psalm 4:7

Today is a day of greater joy.

Today is a day of celebration.

My Mom and Dad celebrate 65 years of marriage today. A wonderful milestone has been reached. Sixty-five years of covenant living and loving.

Their love has climbed mountains, endured desert dryness, walked paths of pain, forged valleys, battled storms, soared over unexpected wonders and lingered in gardens of delight, always side by side.

Firm believers in never allowing the sun to set on an unkind word or misunderstanding, short accounts were kept and a lifestyle of forgiveness was modelled. Their love was and is anchored firmly in the Lord.

Married in their late teens, now in their 80's, any observor would forget their age as they walk hand-in-hand and arm-in-arm.

"Dorf" and "Demf", as they lovingly call one another, still embrace like newlyweds. Mom will ask, "Who's your girl?" and Dad will respond without hesitation, and with exclaimation and a twinkle in his eye, "You are."

Cupping Mom's face in his hands, he still speaks words of endearment, cherishing her beauty. He adores her completely.

They were first love and only loves.

The following picture was taken about nine months ago.



Most of you know that my Dad is struggling with health concerns right now. We are hoping to enjoy a little time of celebration today. Please pray that it will be a special day for all our family. Ten weeks ago I questioned the arrival of this celebration. The Lord has been so gracious as to give us all "greater joy" and more treasured moments with my Mom and Dad.

My sister, her son and I went to the hospital last night to decorate Dad's room to surprise Mom today. Dad enjoyed being in on the planning and he was directing our every move.



I hope to be back later today to post additional pictures.

Today I'm celebrating...and I have greater joy!

"I Do"

"Do you love me more than these?" John 21:15

Yesterday I had the wonderful privilege of attending a "Girls Night Out" event in the afternoon. I had not planned on going. Daily hospital visits are still my schedule, but the opportunity presented itself and after much indecision and coaxing I decided to go. What a blessing!



My sister and her best friend and I drove to the event, about an hour west of here.



Shannon Ethridge was the key-note speaker. She is the author of the "Every Woman's Battle" series as well as the "Completely His" book and Bible studies. What a delightful and godly woman.

She shared about the intimacy we can have with Christ. Intimacy. "In-to-me-see". The Bridgegroom and bride relationship. She also spoke of hindrances to that love connection.

She asked, "What is your addiction? What does God need to prune out of your life to make room for more of Him?"

If you read my other devotional blog, today I shared that answer. God must be my One and only love. He is proposing. "Will you marry Me?" He alone wants to be my first love.

Father, I need You to reignite that flame. I need the fire in my heart to burn with such fervor that no other dream, desire or affection supercedes my love for You. Surrendered moments to 'feel good' are only temporary and fleeting.

Lord, I desperately need You. I long to love You more. You have been wooing me back to You. I have felt Your gentle nudge. I sense You calling. I have been missing the privilege of Your presence. I have been reading Your book, but missing the companionship of the Author. Lord, sweep me off my feet. I hear Your voice asking again, "Joy, do you love me more than these?"

"Yes Lord."

"I do."

Sisterhood

UPDATE ON DAD BELOW!!!

What a blessing it was to receive a Sisterhood Award from Kathy @ Blessed Builder. I first 'met' Kathy on January 23rd of this year, when she left such an encouraging comment on my blog. Immediately I recognized a kindred spirit and my life has been enriched by the friendship she has extended. Many times she has built a blessing into my heart through her kind words and sweet heart. She is beautiful inside and out. The love of Jesus shines radiantly on her countenance. My wish is that one day I will have the pleasure of meeting her face to face, visiting her store and sharing a cup of tea.

Therefore...
Since getting an award means passing it on to ten other "sisters", I will choose gals who have become friends on a more personal level. Please know that even if your name isn't mentioned below, so many of you are special to me...it's just that right now...these gals have gone the extra mile to minister to my heart.

1. Nichole @ Living My Life on Purpose.

2. Cheri @ Seven Branches.

3. Holly @ well...just Holly!

4. Melissa @ Melissa Taylor.

5. Sita @ Sita's Sanctum.

6. Zoe @ Called By a New Name...

7. Renee @ Journey of My Heart.

8. Heather @ On the Road... Walking with Jesus.

9. Elaine @ Peace for the Journey.

10. Leah @ The Point.

UPDATE ON DAD!
Although there is so much to write since my last update on my Daddy, words fall short. I find I have 'run out of steam' sharing the story. Today Dad is having two procedures done and will be given anesthetic again. Sure would appreciate your prayers. The Dr's are concerned with his blood levels and want to check for internal bleeding. Daddy will also be transfered to another hospital very soon. Unfortunately this will now require a lot of driving and extra time for our family. Please pray we will be able to work out a schedule to still see Daddy as often as we are able, yet keep our husbands and children happy. A challenge these days. We are now 8 weeks of daily being with Dad. Yesterday as we stood in a circle and held hands with Pastor Jonathan in my Dad's room, the Lord's presence again filled this place as He continues to carry us through. Thank you for the strength we have found through your love and prayers.

True Colours

Just over a year ago I wrote a post entitled "The many shades of Christian Camouflage." I'm feeling the need to revisit it tonight and add further thoughts.

I've got to be honest friends. I'm struggling right now. I'm caught between two worlds. Talk and walk. One I learned early the other is still on shaky ground. The writing is easy, the living is hard. Words flow. Life fails. The desire to do comes face to face with the longing to be. The cards are dealt. Emotions often play the trump card.

How easy it is to convince myself that playing the game is right and best. It certainly is easier...being all things to all people...dressing the part and doing the expected. Giving in. Pretending to follow suit even when all the cards in my hand wear a different design. Not wrong, just contrary.

It takes courage to be different. All my life I've wanted to blend in. Being an identical twin, that hasn't been easy. Wearing dresses down a jean-clad High School hall doesn't exactly let you pass by unnoticed. More like the Joker in a deck of cards, my life has been on display. Cast in a role, I've played my part well.

Time has come for a little improvisation. From planned to spontaneous, I desire the bars yet to be played flow freely unrehearsed. The musical theory rules that demand chords resolve and songs end in the major key negate reality. I'm not saying life is all minor, but dissonate bars appear.

I may not always be a delightful bright. God paints treasures in darkness. A variety of shades and hues have been hidden. I may not be the family pink, but I can let my colour speak of individuality in who God created me to be.

Hypocrisy has it's own shade of insincerity. Lacking real conviction, like a chameleon, moods and environments blend colours easily. How foolish. How draining. Keeping up appearances is exhausting. Transparency, on the other hand, allows God Himself to shine through.

What colour has God created you to be? Will you join me in letting the world see your true colours?

Closer

Sweet friends, your patience with me is so appreciated. I know many of you continue to wait for an update, and I'm so sorry that it takes me so long. A sleepless night has left me worn and weary.

Not much has changed regarding Dad's health. He remains in the hospital. Tests are still being administered, buying us more time in this location. New Doctor's appear weekly as hospitalists change shifts. A new face. A new diagnosis. New challenges. New questions. New expectations. New decisions. New confusion. New uncertainty. New bewilderment. Some Doctor's offer a ray of hope, while others seem determined to steal every spark of possibility.

Endless hours, days, weeks, months, sitting at Dad's beside. Feeling selfish that I long for this to be over. Yes, for Dad's torment to end, but mine as well. The daily routine is suffocating. I love my Dad dearly, but life has been put on hold and Dad is no longer the only one in need of healing. None of us anticipated that we would still be living under the effects of this nightmare.

I am consumed with guilt. While at the hospital I feel guilty for not meeting the needs of my family at home. While at home I feel guilty for not being with Dad. A vicious, continual cycle. Expectations weigh heavy. Bench pressing more than my weight as I carry this burden.

Exhaustion is claiming me physically. I am currently under Doctor's care for symptoms most probably brought on my stress. Frustrated. Frightened. Panic. Helpless. Abandoned. Overwhelmed. Confused. Despair. Heaviness. Restlessness. Sorrow.

Needing encouragement tonight I reached for the One who can speak to the deepest, unseen places of my heart. His Words are sustaining.

"The LORD hears his people when they call to him for help.
He rescues them from all their troubles.
The LORD is close to the brokenhearted;
he rescues those whose spirits are crushed.
The righteous person faces many troubles,
but the LORD comes to the rescue each time." Psalm 34:17-19

Father, our family is in need of rescue. Thank You that our brokenness moves You closer.

In This Storm

Friends, I am so sorry not to be giving more frequent updates here. I find I come home each night too weary for another telling. So many details. So much confusion. Unbearable heartache and pain. Each day unwraps an undesired gift.

Yet...through it all...God is there.

In a comment sent to me.

In a prayer found in my Inbox.

In a telephone call offering peace for my journey.

In a walk with a found friend.

In a meal delivered in kindness.

In a chocolate cake baked with love.

In a card offering hope.

In a surprise encounter in a parking lot.

In a cup of coffee shared in the hospital 'Food Court'.

In a generous gift of a transponder to cover parking costs.

In a faithful, nightly chat on Facebook.

In a voice reminding me of unfolding secrets.

In a friend and hairdresser who blessed me with "No Charge".

In a listening ear.

In arms that enfold.

In eyes that silently say, "I understand" and expect no answer.

God is in this storm...and I will still praise Him. Was worried that doing so was hypocritical when my heart is wavering between worship and why. Yet, in obedience, I surrender. Praising Him in my darkest times, shines His light the brightest.

Another meeting at 11:00 this morning. Too tired to think. Lord provide.

Praise You in This Storm
words by Mark Hall/music by Mark Hall and Bernie Herms

I was sure by now,God, that You would have reached down
and wiped our tears away,
stepped in and saved the day.
But once again, I say amen
and it's still raining
as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain,
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away.

Chorus:
And I'll praise you in this storm
and I will lift my hands
for You are who You are
no matter where I am
and every tear I've cried
You hold in your hand
You never left my side
and though my heart is torn
I will praise You in this storm

I remember when I stumbled in the wind
You heard my cry to You
and raised me up again
my strength is almost gone how can I carry on
if I can't find You
and as the thunder rolls
I barely hear You whisper through the rain
"I'm with you"
and as Your mercy falls
I raise my hands and praise
the God who gives and takes away

Chorus

I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth
I lift my eyes onto the hills
where does my help come from?
My help comes from the Lord, the maker of heaven and earth

Chorus

Bedtime Lullaby

When all my heart can do is cry, Jesus is singing me to sleep and reminding me that I am His child.

Close your eyes and let Him sing over you as you listen.

Your Child

I know many of you are patiently waiting for an update on my Dad. It's a challenge to keep you informed because my Dad's personality and physical condition can appear almost 'normal' one minute, and then change in a moment, making everything I say obsolete.

Physically Dad is coming around. He still has a catheter, but he is now eating well and enjoying his meals. We bring in his favourite home-made treats which he thoroughly enjoys and devours. He walks with his therapist every day and is comfortable sitting up in a chair. On a couple of occasions we have had opportunity to take Dad downstairs in a wheelchair and this change of scenery seems to give him great pleasure. Today when we arrived Dad had finished shaving and tidying up his room. Everything looked so clean and neat. If only his mind was just as 'tidy'!

Dad is still struggling between reality and fiction. I believe this is our 'new normal'. He has no recollection each morning that his family has been with him the day before. Our entrance each day is always a 'first'. Although he can still tell time, he has no concept of it. He often remembers events in the distant past, but forgets things that have occurred only seconds before.

When he is passive he resembles a sweet little child, just wanting to be loved and cared for by his family. We embrace such times. Then suddenly, without warning, we begin to see agitation. It manifests itself in several ways. Fidgeting is a forerunner. Pacing. Organizing. A glassy stare. We prepare ourselves for a mood change.

This evening Dad called three different family members, begging them to come and take him home. Oh Dad, if only we could. If only home really could be a safe place for you right now. Father, can You help Daddy know that He can be at home with You? Help him rest in knowing that You will never leave him or forsake him.

Many decisions need to be made. Please pray the Lord will grant us wisdom and unity. As I sat and looked through information on different care facilities and options last evening, the choice that appeared so clear when it was far away, seems unbelievably difficult and impossible now. Father, show us what You desire for my Daddy and Your child.

Lost at Sea

UPDATE BELOW:

"My Daddy had to go away,
But he'll be back most any day
At any moment I might see
My Daddy coming back to me."

Restless and sleepless, silently those words repeated in my head at 3:00am this morning. I see Shirley Temple's little, tear-stained, cherub face in "The Little Princess", as she recited that rhyme, longing for her Daddy's return.

My heart is so there. After a painful visit at the hospital last night, I want to pound my fists against my Daddy's chest. I want to grab his face in my hands and scream at him to remember me. If my sobbing and desiring were only enough.

Last night throughout my entire visit, my Daddy thought he was on a ship, sinking out at sea. He felt he had no connection with the mainland and that foes were surrounding him. At one point he was certain he heard an airplane overhead and he quickly called for help to flag it down. Maybe it would bring rescue. He encouraged SOS messages to be sent over the radio. Help is needed.

Friends, help IS needed. SOS messages are storming heaven 24/7. We are waiting for that rescue. Daddy was in unbelievable torment last night. Rubbing his head. Afraid. Too afraid to close his eyes and rest as he was certain he would drown in enemy waters surrounding him.

My night has been filled with silent cries. Tears have washed my pillow.

"What do we do when we want to give in because it seems too hard?" I run again into my Heavenly Father's arms. I cry on His shoulder. You Lord, are my refuge and my portion in the land of the living (Psalm 142:5). Chart my Daddy's ship back to the mainland. Be His Life-Preserver.

Lyrics to old hymns flood my mind. "Bridge over troubled waters". "It is well with my soul". "Ship Ahoy". But, it's a childhood chorus, words slightly altered, that is the cry of my heart this morning.

Bring back,
Bring back,
Bring back my Daddy to me, to me
Bring back,
Bring back,
Bring back my Daddy to me.

Praying for renewed hope and courage - especially this afternoon at 2pm. A meeting, not of our doing, has been called. My mom, my sister and I will meet with two Dr's, the Director of Surgical Care, another hospital Director and a Social Worker to discuss the condition and future of my Dad. Needing divine wisdom and guidance.

Thanks for listening. Sorry for not having more of a word of encouragement today.

Love y'all

UPDATE:
I am so humbled by the love, comments, prayers, verses that I have just come back and found here now. The Lord knew I would be needing to feel surrounded and hugged when I arrived home.

I am still trying to process all we heard this afternoon at the meeting. Short of a miracle, the man I knew as my Daddy will not be coming back to me. He has now been diagnosed with dementia and will probably not be coming home due to the violent tendencies he is exhibiting. Although my mind had already expected this diagnosis, my heart is fighting to accept and receive it.

It has been a long, tiring afternoon. Many more decisions lay ahead. THANK YOU so much for all your love, prayers and support. The Lord is my portion. I'm so glad He spoke those words to me yesterday...I am still clinging to Him today.

My family and I would still appreciate your continued prayers whenever you think of us. Trying to process this...

I love you all,
Joy

http://uk.truveo.com/goodbye-to-daddy-the-little-princess-1939/id/1365992213

Celebrating

UPDATE BELOW!!!!

I'm sitting eating a chocolate icecream drumstick!!!! YUMMY!!!! Friends, I'm celebrating!!!!!

Good news today. Actually, Dad was no better. I only visited for a short time as my presence seemed to be making him more anxious and confused.

HOWEVER....

The Doctor who performed the surgery on Dad 3 weeks ago yesterday has finally returned to the country. He left almost immediately after my Dad's operation, to fly out and be with his own father who had experienced a stroke. Well, he's back. Upon his return he was checking his messages and found one indicating my Dad's condition. He immediately called my sister Sharon and spoke with her on the phone for 40 minutes. He is shocked and appalled at what has happened. He is determined to get to the root of the problem.

He can't guarantee us that Dad's mental state is now irreversible, but he has promised to do whatever it takes to find answers and work towards a solution, whatever treatment or help that will involve. YEAH!!! We feel like we have someone on our side. We have been infused with hope. Someone is listening.

The Dr. told my sister that my Dad should not be excused as an 'old man'. He said my Dad is an educated, refined gentleman. He said he will be at the hospital first thing tomorrow morning. Tests will be done. Medication checked. Treatment given. He's going to help us try to find our Dad.

On another note, I just had a phone call from my sister. Apparently Dad decided to take a bath tonight...without telling anyone. The water dripping through the ceiling in the room below, instigated a phone call to the nurses on the floor above. Upon investigation, they discoverd my Dad, splashing like a duck, enjoying a warm bath, water still running. Wondering what he did with the catheter? Oh, my mind doesn't even want to go there....

Still...icecream never tasted so good. :o)

UPDATE: It gets funnier still.... My sister told my Mom this morning about my Dad's little mis-adventure in the tub. Her only question: "Did he have soap?" Oh my goodness!

Something Happens

Desperately needing Jesus.

"...rest from war..." Joshua 11:23

A war is raging and my Daddy's mind is the battlefield. Confusion. Delirium. Hallucinations. His speech is irrelevant and incoherent. He is disoriented in time and place as his memory fights with unseen warriors.

Last night the nurses had to wheel his bed out to their station as he would not settle and could not sleep. The evil one is fighting for control, of not just one mind, but five, as my entire family take up shields of faith and strap on helmets of salvation.

God has promised that victory will ultimately be His, but until that time the fighting is fierce. Satan has already advanced far enough. No more ground. We are armed with the Sword of the Spirit. Unseen beings are engaged in active duty. Purposeful, violent conflict intended to capture my Daddy will one day cease. Lord, I pray today You will give him rest from war. May He know Your peace that passes understanding.

"Jesus Your Name is power
Jesus Your Name is might
Jesus Your Name will break every stronghold
Jesus Your Name is life.

Jesus Your Name is healing
Jesus Your Name gives sight
Jesus Your Name will free every captive
Jesus Your Name is life.

Jesus Your Name is holy
Jesus Your Name brings light
Jesus Your Name above every other
Jesus Your Name is life.

Jesus. Something happens, supernatural, when we mention His Name.

Maybe you're like me. Maybe you don't always take the time to listen to songs posted on a blog. I stopped the other day while visiting someone in blog land and this song is continuing to minister to my heart. Say His Name. Something does happen.

31 Steps to P31

(This post is written as an entry for the "She Speaks" Proverbs 31 Ministry Scholarship Opportunity. Please link to Lysa's Conference Contest post and the She Speaks Conference Website for further information. Thank you.)

My 31 Steps to P31, She Speaks Conference :

She heard
She considered
She feared
She declined
She mourned
She received
She envisioned
She panicked
She prayed
She doubted
She decided
She trusted
She registered
She wavered
She listened
She obeyed
She went
She flew
She landed
She met
She hugged
She learned
She saw
She experienced
She surrendered
She embraced
She cried
She changed
She believed
She rejoiced
She remembers

For those of you who followed the chronicles of my journey last summer you know "I Found Joy in a BIG God". Enjoy my trip down memory lane if you desire a closer look or a deeper understanding of what this amazing weekend has in store for you by clicking on that link and reading my "She Speaks" 2008 experience. (It took me three weeks and 21 posts to describe all that God accomplished in my life over this weekend.)

Not only did I find joy in my BIG God, but I found real and eternal life as I stepped out in faith and trusted the Lord like I never had before. Prior to the conference my lips spoke empty words. Now my heart embraces The Word.

The general sessions were inspirational and uplifting. The break-out sessions were instructional and enlightening. The friendships made were bonding and everlasting. It was an incredible experience.

I feel like this is just a fun sampling of the weekend I enjoyed, but I hope just like the effects of eating a couple of potato chips or a mouthful of chocolate, it will have you yearning for more and that many ladies will be drawn outside their comfort zone, as I was, to taste and see that the Lord is good. It really is impossible to fully capture how personal the Lord became to me as I trusted Him, expected Him, called on Him and desperately needed Him every moment, every day. He is good. His mercies are new each morning. Great is His faithfulness.

I would love to return, knowing He who began a good work would be faithful to complete it. Last year fear almost kept me from following. This year finances are framing my freedom. I know God is able. There is no doubt in my mind that if the Lord wants me to return, I'll be there...somehow...someway...someday.

She waits.

I Hate Roller Coasters!

Well friends, since my last post we have been on such a roller coaster ride. I could post an update in the morning, and an hour later my report could be null and void. With every dip and turn in this ride of life, my heart plunges and beats wildly. The operator of the ride is refusing to hit that stop button. It's like a cruel game. We're riding the track endlessly and my head is spinning.

Although the pictures I've posted of my Dad give the appearance of recovery, Dad is still struggling. Physically he continues to improve, but mentally Dad is contending for control.

It's really hard to be known and loved in the morning, and forgotten and verbally attacked in the afternoon. The change is sudden and unpredicted. Slight, fidgety movements announce it's arrival. Abruptly and unexpectedly, my Daddy is gone and in his place is a man I don't recognize. A man who's words hurt, frighten and accuse.

Wanting to believe that God can still touch my Dad and perform a miracle. In an instant I know the Lord could bring clarity out of confusion. Holding on and trusting Him.

"Faith without works is dead". Decisions must be made in the meantime. Tough decisions. Please pray for my Mom, my sisters and I as we must grasp this new 'normal'...at least for now. Pray the Lord will give guidance and wisdom. Pray for direction and unity.

As we stand in the middle of our "Jordan" right now, pray that the Lord will keep our feet planted on dry ground, trusting in a God who will not let our feet slip (Psalm 121:3).

More Than Medication

A little chocolate contraband has never hurt anyone.

Dad is doing so much better. Unbelieveable. A real miracle!!!!

Since Tuesday Daddy has been coming back. He is still very confused; not eating much; BUT he hasn't been aggressive or violent in three days. The Dr's released him from all restraints Tuesday - that MUST feel good. A therapist came in and Dad made his "maiden journey" down the hospital hall with the aid of a walker. His IV has been removed. He's still hooked to a catheter and receiving fluids to help with the kidney failure, but all his counts have improved. We still haven't had the results back from the removal of the cancerous tumor on his bladder, but all is looking good. Praying the Dr's were able to get it all. He was taken off oxygen today, and is no longer receiving blood. Last night he had some difficulties with clots developing again. VERY painful. The nurses have to flush those out - *ouch*. Praying that will soon end. On the whole, he is doing so much better - a real miracle compared to the weekend. Sunday we were making decisions regarding resuscitation etc...a very difficult day - and now, today, he seems so much stronger. Can't wait to write the post about his homecoming!!!!!

The spark in Daddy's eyes has returned. At one point during my visit today, Daddy teared all up, as he tried to express his love for us. He said his heart couldn't be more full.

We wait now for Daddy to gain strength and his confusion to clear. Evenings are difficult. He loses sight of reality. My sister and her husband had an "interesting" visit tonight. Daddy is delirious. He thinks he is in prison and wanted them to sneak him out the back stairs. Poor guy.

I'm so thankful for all the prayers that have been offered on his behalf. Dad's recovery is due to more than medication. Lord may You continue to touch Daddy with Your healing Hand.

9000 Words

ONE UPDATED PICTURE BELOW!!!! Another 1,000 words added :o)

Believing without Seeing

"...even though you do not see him now, you believe in him and are filled with an inexpressible and glorious joy" 1 Peter 1:8

This verse came to mind this morning as I was visiting my friend Cheri's blog.

I'm struggling to see God in my Daddy's health concerns. I know He's in his heart, I just don't see Him in his happenings.

As Cheri reminded me, this test is writing a testimony over my life.

"Because of the LORD's great love we are not consumed, for his compassions never fail." Lam.3:22

"..blessed are those who have not seen and yet have believed." John 20:29

I encourage you to visit Cheri's blog and be encouraged today. He's with us "In the Fog or the Furnace".

'Seeing' Him today, not because my vision gives sight, but because my heart knows He's there.

I will be back tonight to give an update on my Dad. Thank you for all your prayers.

60 Minutes

"We have this moment to hold in our hands
and to touch as it slips through our fingers like sand;
Yesterday's gone and tomorrow may never come,
But we have this moment today."

After a horrendous weekend, last night God gave us 60 minutes.

60 minutes of coherent conversation

60 minutes of lavish love

60 minutes of miraculous moments

60 minutes of precious ponderings

60 minutes of jubilant joy

60 minutes of high hope

60 minutes of carefree celebration

60 minutes of blessed breathing

60 minutes of embraced excitement

60 minutes of wonderful worship

60 minutes of noteworthy normal

60 minutes with my dear daddy

This morning time has stolen again the progress of those 60 minutes. Dad is bleeding profusely. Difficult decisions need to be made. Daddy is hooked up to machines and tubes. An oxygen mask appears as an intruder on Daddy's face.

Daddy is not the only one struggling to breathe. I feel like life is continually being sucked out of me. Breath of heaven, breathe on me...for the next 60 minutes and then I'll ask the same request again.

War of the Worlds

"Finally, be strong in the Lord and in his mighty power. Put on the full armor of God so that you can take your stand against the devil's schemes. For our struggle is not against flesh and blood, but against the rulers, against the authorities, against the powers of this dark world and against the spiritual forces of evil in the heavenly realms." Ephesians 6:10-12

"Open war is upon you whether you would risk it or not." (Aragorn, Lord of the Rings)

Open war is upon our family...upon me. The thief has come to steal my trust, kill and sacrifice my life and destroy my spiritual progress. Demonic opposition is delivering oppression. Hell has been enraged and satanic forces are hurling their mightiest weapons.

It's not peaceful in the invisible. A war of worlds is being fought. The evil one has a plan and an army behind the scenes and he's looking for an intentional attack moment to terrorize and torture. He knows my weakness and the battle for my life is raging with intensity.

Lord, I pray you will bind satan from further assault. Father give victory to my dear sweet Daddy who is living in torment. The powers of darkness and spiritual forces of evil are wielding weapons, but they cannot stand against You. Lord, deep inside this armor this warrior is a child and again I fall before You, drop my sword, and cry for just awhile.



Sometimes my little heart can't understand
What's in Your will, what's in Your plan.
So many times I'm tempted to ask You why,
But I can never forget it for long.
Lord, what You do could not be wrong.
So I believe You, even when I must cry.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the river flow?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the north wind blow?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I know the answers, I've given them all.
But suddenly now, I feel so small.
Shaken down to the cavity in my soul.
I know the doctrine and theology,
But right now they don't mean much to me.
This time there's only one thing I've got to know.

Do I trust You, Lord?
Does the robin sing?
Do I trust You, Lord?
Does it rain in spring?
You can see my heart,
You can read my mind,
And You got to know
That I would rather die
Than to lose my faith
In the One I love.
Do I trust You, Lord?
Do I trust You?

I will trust You, Lord, when I don't know why.
I will trust You, Lord, till the day I die.
I will trust You, Lord, when I'm blind with pain!
You were God before, and You'll never change.
I will trust You.
I will trust You.
I will trust You, Lord.
I will trust You.

Artist: Twila Paris
Copyright: 1984 Singspiration Music

Be sure to read my prayer today, "Send the Rain".

Miracle in Room 7113

***UPDATE BELOW***

Proverbs 13:12 "It is sad when you don't get what you hoped for. But when wishes come true, it's like eating fruit from the tree of life."

Tonight a chocolate dipped donut and a "Skiny Mocha" are like eating from the 'tree of life' as I celebrate today. Friends, rejoice with me. We have seen a breakthrough with my dear sweet Daddy.

My sister received a call from the hospital this morning. Dad was to have three hours of testing this afternoon, and the nurses felt he might be more cooperative and content if a family member accompanied him. My Mom, my other sister and I sat in the waiting area...praying...talking...rejoicing...hoping...praising. When Dad was returned to his room he was awake...very disoriented...still hallucinating, but much calmer.

As soon as I walked into his room, he held his arms open to me and as I bent over to give him a kiss, he cradled my face in his hands, just loving on me. His conversation is confused. His mind meandering. His focus following images that only he can see. Yet, he knew each one of us and called us by name.

When my Mom mentioned that it was Sharon's birthday today, he questioned the date and then sang two verses of "Happy Birthday" as our voices joined with his, tears streaming down our cheeks.

A third Dr. has been called in to work with my Dad. As she examined him she said, "Mr Dale, you've been a very sick man".

Tests results are coming back. The CT scan - clear! Ultrasounds - clear! The renal failure count that was over 500, is now down to 180. Dad is receiving antibiotics intravenously. The clotting from the removal of the tumor in his bladder is lessening. He said he felt like some "Pepsi" today and when Mom returned with some, he actually drank it!!! He even ate some jello. Friends we have seen huge progress today.

How can I ever thank you? For the first time in eleven days I am breathing. My stomach isn't turning. I no longer feel like I'm suffocating. Friends, you are all a part of this. In answer to the effectual, fervent prayers of many God is moving.

My Mom, both my sisters and I all received a Word from the Lord this morning. Then, I opened up my e-mails and began reading blog comments and I was completely overwhelmed by the response. I feel like I have so many to thank, and Lord willing, over the next little while I will visit each of you personally (assuming you have left some way for me to respond to you). I have never felt so loved. Your words, prayers, and thoughts towards me have blessed me abundantly. You have held me up when I couldn't stand. You have infused me with courage. You have encouraged me to keep trusting and not abandon my faith. You have called me to hold on to truth and believe that God was providing. You have listened patiently, gently reminding me that God was there. I feel blessed beyond measure.

I do want to specifically thank Melanie for setting up a prayer vigil for my family today. God used you mightily. Also, very precious friends Elaine, Melissa and Cheri, who continue to bless my heart in so many countless ways. My "Aaron" and "Hur", Carol and Lois, who daily checked in with me and surrounded me with love and prayers. May all who see the miracle in Room 7113, see God.

As my sister and I drove home from the hospital, we were singing, "Satan is vanquished and Jesus is King!" We don't know what tomorrow holds, but the Lord gave us an incredible gift today. Go praise and thank Him, then eat something chocolate!

(Don't miss how the Lord spoke to me today, Saturday, on my other blog, "Pondering In His Presence". God is good!!)



***UPDATE***
Well...I will still rejoice in the blessings of yesterday, but we were met by the nurses upon our arrival at the hospital this morning. Dad had become violent with a nurse again...clawing at her arms...."attacking" her is how it was described to us.

Still, the gift of yesterday was so precious...and for my sister's birthday. Thank You Lord.

I WILL still trust You. Continuing to pray.

Disappointed, heartbroken, but not losing hope.